Burn Baby, Burn
Oh-oh, she got both feet on the ground
And she’s burnin’ it down
Oh-oh, she got her head in the clouds
And she’s not backin’ down
~Alicia Keys Girl on Fire
I have a phoenix tattooed on my back.
I liked that it is associated with the sun (being a fire sign) but more importantly, I love that the legend says a phoenix dies in a burst of flames and is reborn over and over again.
My whole life I have heard about “the change.”
It was something I didn’t give much thought to — like one of those things that don’t apply to you, so you think you will just worry about that later. Still, there were rumblings about it. Mostly I heard about the mysterious hot flashes.
This didn’t sound so bad as I was typically a “cold person.” You know the type — the one who is cold when it’s 70 degrees. The one who always brings a sweater or jacket no matter what the temperature is outside. The one who sprints to the car during the winter and complains from October to May. That’s me.
Maybe a little hot flash would feel…comforting?
It started with the night sweats. They came out of nowhere, in the dead of sleep, waking at 3 or 4 and drenched in a fog. The first time it happened I assumed I had a nightmare, or maybe a fever. Then it happened again and again..now it’s almost a nightly occurrence.
Huh.
I’ve learned to pull a leg out, or sometimes leave the ceiling fan on. Typically in the colder months I would go to bed in a thin pair of sweatpants, and always socks for my perpetually cold feet, but now only shorts and a Tee or a tank.
And then it happened in a store.
Standing in the aisle looking for Quick Cook Oats the flush seemed to come from the inside out. It wasn’t a feeling of being a little warm, rather it was like I had been momentarily stuck in a sauna. Tiny pricking needles pulsed through my body in waves and then it was over.
Out of curiosity I had my blood drawn independently and found my hormones to be abysmally low.
What next?
As a natural competitor I have limited resources. I can take birth control levels of hormones, and that might be enough to take the edge off. But I wonder how else it could be effecting me. There is research saying the drop in estrogen can cause issues with memory later, bone loss, hair loss, and…muscle loss. What does this mean for me as a natural competitor?
Suddenly the thing I didn’t worry about because it was a long way off is here knocking at my door. What’s next, chin hairs? God I hope not because close up vision is beginning to fade slightly.
I’m still in my off season but currently in a mini-cut and weight is trickling off in tiny increments (read: almost completely at a dead stop). I have read this is another dreaded side effect of dipping hormones.
Someone mentioned somewhere that this stage of life is like asecond puberty. Great. Because that first one was so fun with oily hair, acne and lanky legs.
I have an appointment next month for a general check up and to bring up options, but I’m not sure what to do if I’m met with a brick wall, as many women are when they try to discuss it with their primary care providers.
Until then I continue to burst into flames over and over again — metaphorically, phoenix incarnate. Let’s hope I emerge stronger.
Everybody stares as she goes by
’Cause they can see the flame that’s in her eyes
Watch her when she’s lightin’ up the night
Nobody knows that she’s a lonely girl
And it’s a lonely world
But she gon’ let it burn, baby, burn, baby
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Pic: Pixabay