I’m Still Here and in the Thick of It

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written.

A lot has happened. I broke my finger. My dog died. I went to Italy. My daughter came home from college/study abroad. We got a puppy. My significant other got recruited at a new job…and then was let go in a staff reduction move…and then was recruited at another company.

Life has been happening.

But I am still here and still working toward my competition goal that is fast approaching.

What has changed?

1. I am now in a deficit. A painful defecit at that. My carbs are only 125 grams during the week.
2. I am supposed to be getting close to or above 10,000 steps a day. (I have not always accomplished this, except while in Italy)
3. I am supposed to be getting in 60–90 minutes of cardio a week.
4. I have been attending posing classes and learning to walk in heels. (this is getting better)

We are now rounding the corner to the end of May and the show date is late summer. I have not gotten a suit (or even a posing suit). I have a basic bikini for posing practice in a tab on my desk top. I keep saying I will pull the trigger and order it already. After all, the posing instructor mentioned I should be wearing a swimsuit to class at this point.

I hate putting a swimsuit on. Every year I stand in some brightly lit, cramped dressing room (typically Target) trying on suit after suit, bemoaning the cellulite on the backs of my thighs and cursing our standards on men wearing full blown swim trunks at the beach while women are supposed to parade around in very little material, attending to all the private areas being covered, standing straight up with our tummies tucked in and our rear ends slightly pressed out, all the while acting like it is completely natural to stand that way.

Which, side note, I visited a hair removal specialist and had my nether region lasered off. Well, not the whole region, just the hair. That was…well it was painful. And incredibly embarrassing. But hey, I’ve given birth afew times, right?

So, I’m still here working. There are days I feel on top of the world. I am super strong. I can see myself on the stage.

Other days I question what the hell I am thinking.

“I can tell you don’t believe in yourself,” my private coach remarked at our last session. She is constantly reminding me to stand tall, taller, taller, taller. My insides shrank when she made the comment — because it’s true.

I recently listened to The Alter Ego Effect audiobook. The author, Todd Herman, describes all of the amazing benefits of creating an alter ego. He lists countless celebrities and athletes that use this technique to portray confidence and improve performance.

I’ve thought long and hard about this, waffling back and forth about who I will choose or create. At my last posing workshop a face came to mind — a bikini athlete I admire and for some reason mentally connect with — and draped myself in her persona for the remainder of the class.

Toward the end, one of the instructors approached me and remarked how much better I did that day. She smiled and encouraged me to keep going, keep pushing. “You’re doing great,” she said.

So I am still here chipping away at the layers of fat I have added on during the improvement season. Completely in the thick of it.