Making the Choice to Grow

This isn’t the only time I have been on the fence about a major decision. I tend to live a lot of my life on the fence. But the coach I have been working with for the last couple of month relayed to me that I need to decide now if I am going to compete this year and cut or if I am going to take this year to build and grow. He said he knows on paper we can do it this year but only if I am 100% in, I can’t be 80% in.

To everything (turn, turn, turn)
There is a season (turn, turn, turn)
And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

The last six months I’ve had one loss after another.

I’m fully aware that I am not the only one feeling the weight of the pandemic and the state of our world right now, but in my personal life, I have felt a lot of loss lately. A friend died, a person I am connected with commit suicide, a family friend — and my dad’s best friend — died.

Then my dad passed.

It’s been a lot.

I am turning 50 this summer and I have been wanting to compete. I’ve been wanting to prove to myself and everyone else that age is a number. That I can go venture out of my comfort zone. I’ve been wanting to show that I am not what others may think of me and that they can grow too. That being vegan doesn’t mean being weak…that being 50 does not mean frail.

This seems like the perfect year to do it. How many times do you turn 50? But truthfully, I have been on the fence.

This isn’t the only time I have been on the fence about a major decision. I tend to live a lot of my life on the fence. But the coach I have been working with for the last couple of month relayed to me that I need to decide now if I am going to compete this year and cut or if I am going to take this year to build and grow. He said he knows on paper we can do it this year but only if I am 100% in, I can’t be 80% in.

That’s when it hit me that I am indeed only 80% in.

I haven’t been 100% in to anything the last few months. I am distracted…maybe even a bit depressed. I realized this and felt a little sad about that. But he is right. I need to be 100% and I don’t think I have 100% to give right now — at least not for cutting.

I messaged him back and told him with all of the loss I have had this year, maybe it is a time for me to grow.

And so here we go. I thought I would be good to do it this year. I thought I was ready. It’s just not the time yet.