Where Do I Go From Here?

Climbing through clouds of grief
So maybe the clouds of grief are still floating above and I can’t seem to find the path from my thoughts to words. Regardless, I’d like to get a jump on this plan for me to get from here to the stage.

“So…where do we go from here, then?”

I had been staring at the trainer app for the last few minutes, my thumb hovering over the add video button. Apps like these are common when working with an online trainer (or maybe any trainer). They connect to other mediums such as the My Fitness Pal food tracking app or Fitbit watches, and they are a one-stop platform for sharing macro goals and workout plans.

These apps also have a messaging function where the trainee can instant message the trainer and vice versa. However, my trainer wants me to use the video function more often. He says he feels we can get to know each other better that way since we don’t see each other in person.

To be clear, by videos he means:

  1. Me sending my questions and thoughts via video…almost as though we are Facetiming or video chatting.
  2. Sending some short videos of me performing certain lifts to check form.

I do understand the value of this. I also do not enjoy making videos of myself. For one, I stammer and pause and have no idea where the point is I am painstakingly trying to make. I just don’t process thought well when I am speaking, This is probably one of the main reasons I enjoy writing. Secondly, I am truly an introvert and so I process my thoughts differently, allowing for me to communicate with ease in a more detached way — through the framing of words.

Lately however, I have been struggling with that as well. These days my thoughts seem to bubble up and rest somewhere in the clouds above my head. They are there somewhere…but not as easily accessible as they once used to be.

Not only am I grieving my dad, who just passed a few weeks ago, but this past year I’ve lost two other people in my life that were close to me.

So maybe the clouds of grief are still floating above and I can’t seem to find the path from my thoughts to words. Regardless, I’d like to get a jump on this plan for me to get from here to the stage.

“So, where do we go from here,” I type, rather than even try to send a video.

Maybe I’ll annoy the trainer. So, what if I do?

The point is, I am standing here on this first step, injured foot, lost in a haze of unprocessed thoughts swimming around my head, a few pounds of muscle gained over the last couple years, and I want to just reign it all in. Isn’t that what he is supposed to help me do?

Alright, well maybe not with the thoughts and the grief and the emotion. I probably should be looking for a therapist for that part of it. And maybe I will.

But for now, give me a path so I can start.

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Storiesofamidlifebikinimom

Storiesofamidlifebikinimom

Midlife crisis? Fitness journey? The jury is still out. Mom embarking on a journey to the bodybuilding stage.