Will Bikini Crystals Outshine the Shadow of Doubt?
Doubt has been creeping around every corner lately.
Motivation has been lacking. A lot has been going on in my personal life and finding the passion to go to the gym, eat right, etc. has been difficult.
I’ve been messaging back and forth with my coach a lot and he seems to be of the mindset that when you want to do something but have some fear, jump in and do the thing (although he completely supports my decision either way). And on some days, I am 100% with that same mindset. However other days, I am wondering what in the actual hell I am thinking of doing.
Body image issues…most likely we’ve all got them. Growing up I was rail thin, a picky eater, a bit nerdy and pale. The image of who I wanted to be was a large stretch compared to who I actually was and am to this day. Sure, I eventually got a better hairstyle, ditched the glasses for contact lenses — -almost an 80s coming of age movie. But deep down, I’m still that pale nerdy kid who feels incredibly awkward.
How on earth can I possibly have the confidence to walk on stage almost naked?
Apparently there are people who are “posing coaches” that walk you through how to stand and how to navigate the stage in five inch heels. I may need a team of coaches at this point.
I remember overhearing a conversation between two of my guy friends when I was in high school. The exact words are unclear now but it went something like this:
“Do you remember what she looked like before? She looks like Miss America compared to how she looked a few years ago.”
“For sure, but would you f___ her?”
“Yeah..but she’s not the girl you f___, she’s the girl you marry.”
I’m not sure how I was supposed to feel about this conversation, but it felt all kids of ways — none of them good. Maybe I’m just trying to prove something to myself. Maybe I’m trying to prove something to the world. Maybe I should stop trying to prove anything. Maybe every reason I want to do this is completely wrong and sideways.
But the question for now is, can the razzle dazzle of everything outshine the shadows of doubt I feel? Can I get beyond the pale, awkward skinny 6th grader and find my inner Wonder Woman, Or am I just kidding myself?
I’m going to need to stop flip flopping soon and come to a decision, finally letting go of all of this doubt.